Dealing with an Emotionally Unavailable Parent
In times where you’ve needed emotional support from your parents, did they make you feel unimportant, unheard, and invalidated? Living with a lack of emotional support from one or both parents, due to their inability to provide it, can feel daunting, frustrating, and even make you feel like you’re not a priority to them. If you have an emotionally unavailable parent, there are ways to cope in order to keep a relationship with them if necessary.
What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?
An emotionally unavailable person is often neglectful of the emotions that others feel, and often tries to dismiss and avoid dealing with emotions. Not only do they dismiss the emotions of others, but they also often struggle with expressing their own emotions, and often do not express or handle emotions in a positive or healthy manner.
In extreme cases, the emotionally unavailable parent can encourage feelings of low self-worth, make you feel invalidated, and even gaslight you into believing that your emotions are justified. The toxicity of this type of parent can have detrimental effects on the child in the relationship, including depression, developmental delays, substance abuse concerns, and aggression.
How do I know if my parents are emotionally unavailable?
If you’re wondering if your own parents are emotionally unavailable, think about how they treat you and their interactions with you and your emotions. When you express your feelings to them, do you feel that they’re listening to you, actively engaged in your life, and want to support you? These are telltale signs of an emotionally available parent. Do you feel like they’re emotionally distant from you, have little involvement or interest in your life, or disregard your success? If so, you may be dealing with an emotionally unavailable parent.
Recognizing their capacity
Understanding what your parent is capable of is just as important as knowing what they aren’t capable of. Think about the ways in which they seem to have the capacity to support you, such as financially, through acts of service, or by providing social connection. By recognizing their strengths and weaknesses, you can help engage with them while not feeling defeated when you don’t feel emotionally supported. Understanding what they’re capable of doing within the relationship will help you better set expectations that won’t lead to disappointment when they inevitably fall short of providing emotional support for you.
Set appropriate expectations
Knowing what your parent is capable of, as well as understanding the patterns in their behavior, can help you learn to set expectations, not for what you need from them, but of what to expect when you do reach out to them for help. If you’re seeking emotional support from someone, having the expectation, based on past behavior, that your parent can’t offer it to you, can help you turn to a more supportive source, and avoid the disappointment when your needs aren’t met by your parents.
Don’t try to change their behavior
You can’t control what other people do, and trying to make your parents emotionally supportive just won’t work. In order for change to happen, a person must recognize that there is an issue and have both willingness and capacity for change. Trying to change your parent’s behavior will just make you more frustrated. If they aren’t willing to change, try to find acceptance in their capacity.
Find other means of emotional support
Emotional support can come from many other sources besides your parents. Think about the people who you can trust and feel comfortable expressing your emotions to. They might be other family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, or anyone else that you feel has your emotional best interest at heart. Just because your parents aren’t capable of providing the emotional support that you need, doesn’t mean that cup has to stay empty–seek trusted connections that can help you meet your needs in a more mutual way.
About Therapist Samantha Nolan, MA, LPC, ATR- Barnum Counseling
Photo credit: (c) Can Stock Photo / ocusfocus