Why it’s okay to go no contact with a toxic family member

If you have a family member who has caused chaos in your life for any amount of time, you may be thinking about ending your relationship with them. When individuals are truly disruptive to your mental, emotional, or physical health, sometimes the best option is to go no contact with them, in order to protect yourself. If you’re struggling with the idea of going no contact, but it is something you want to pursue, know that it is completely okay to do so.

What is “no contact”?

No contact is exactly what it sounds like–not engaging at all with an individual, including in person visits or interaction, or digital communication such as phone calls, emails, or tex messages. Essentially cutting off all communication with an individual in order to distance yourself from whatever negative behavior is occurring within the relationship.

Why might I go no contact?

For those with a healthy family dynamic, it can be difficult to understand why a family member may want to go no contact with an individual, but in challenging family dynamics, it can often make sense. An individual may choose to go no contact for many reasons including mental, emotional, or physical abuse or neglect, challenging situations with narcissistic relatives, or because of family conflict. Each person has a different reason for going no contact, but it is often the last attempt to distance themselves from a chaotic situation.

How can going no contact help me?

You’re protecting yourself from further harm

Going no contact might be the only option to protect yourself from further abuse, no matter the type. While it can be difficult to sever ties with your own family, protecting yourself is key. You don’t deserve to be the object of someone else’s anger or abuse, and cutting off contact can help you physically and emotionally move away from the chaos within the relationship. By cutting off all communication with your toxic family member, you free yourself from any harm that they may inflict on you, simply because they no longer have access to you.

You gain distance to heal

In addition to protecting yourself from any further harm, you also gain the distance to heal yourself from the abuse they have already inflicted when you go no contact. It is impossible to heal in the same environment in which you were hurt, so removing yourself from the situation is important in order to get the help you need and process the circumstances that required you to go no contact. 

You can reset the dynamics and decide if the relationship can continue

While you distance, you reset the dynamics between yourself and the toxic family member by putting boundaries in place and challenging them when you remove yourself from the relationship. When you have gone through the process to heal from what has happened, you can decide if the relationship can continue with new boundaries. While this often isn’t the case, you do have the opportunity to change the dynamics.

Going no contact isn’t easy, and it is often the last resort to distance from a toxic family member, but it is okay to do so in order to heal and move forward. 

About Therapist Samantha Nolan, MA, LPC, ATR- Barnum Counseling                                               

Resources

Ramesh, A. (2022). MedIndia. [Internet]. How Toxic Family Dynamics Can Affect a Child. https://www.medindia.net/patients/lifestyleandwellness/how-toxic-family-dynamics-can-affect-a-child.htm#what-is-toxic-family-dynamics

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