Take a second to think of the most recent statements you have said that included the word, “should”. These statements can sound anything like, “I should be better at that,” or “I should have known better,” or “I should have been doing my homework this whole time.” Reflect on what these “should” statements were, how often, and what you felt like at this time. Let’s learn how to tackle these statements.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a form of therapy that aims to help individuals manage their emotions and improve their relationships. One of the components of DBT is the skill of “questioning the shoulds.”
“Shoulds” are beliefs or expectations about how things should be, how people should behave, or how we should feel. These “shoulds” can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and frustration when they are not met. For example, you might think “I should always be happy,” or “People should treat me with respect.” These expectations can be unrealistic and can lead to negative emotions and behaviors.
The Technique
The DBT technique of “questioning the shoulds” involves examining these beliefs and challenging their validity. This technique encourages individuals to explore whether their beliefs are based on facts or if they are simply assumptions that may not be true.
To use this technique, start by identifying a “should” statement that you believe. For example, “I should always be productive,” or “I should never make mistakes.” Then, ask yourself the following questions to help you “find the evidence” to your “should” thought(s):
Where did this belief come from?
Is it based on facts or assumptions?
Are there any exceptions to this belief?
Is this belief helpful or harmful to me?
What would happen if I let go of this belief?
Answering these questions can help you gain insight into your beliefs and challenge them if they are not helpful. For example, if you believe “I should always be productive,” you might realize that this belief is unrealistic and can lead to burnout. By questioning this belief, you might be able to adopt a more balanced view of productivity and take time for self-care.
How can it help?
The technique of “questioning the shoulds” can help you develop a more flexible and compassionate mindset. By challenging your beliefs and assumptions, you can reduce stress and improve your relationships with others. This technique is a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental health and well-being.
Review
In conclusion, the DBT technique of “questioning the shoulds” is a powerful tool for challenging unhelpful beliefs and assumptions. By examining our beliefs and challenging their validity, we can develop a more flexible and compassionate mindset, leading to improved mental health and well-being. If you struggle with unrealistic expectations or negative emotions, consider trying this technique to help you gain insight and move towards a more balanced perspective.
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