Coping with a Dysfunctional Family System

by | Mar 21, 2023 | Mental Health, Relationships, Support, Values

If you’ve ever felt like the black sheep of your family, or felt that your family doesn’t understand you and vice versa, family dynamics are probably quite tough to deal with. In addition, complexities within families can create negative patterns and keep them alive for generations, leading to dysfunctional dynamics and relationships within the family system. If you’re currently dealing with a dysfunctional family system, there are ways to cope.

Express your concerns and engage in education

If there’s a possibility that someone in your family is willing to hear your concerns, perhaps consider talking to them about the dysfunctional patterns within your family system. If this is possible, there’s a good chance that you may be able to form an alliance with someone else who feels similar to you about the family dynamics and challenges, and discussing them together can help you find new solutions to long term problems.

In addition, if your family is willing to engage in resolution of dysfunctional patterns, education will be important to help make changes. Working with a professional, like a family therapist, can help provide education on the family system and encourage changes that will be most helpful to your own situation. 

Set boundaries

Setting boundaries is another way that you can cope with your family’s dysfunctional behavior. You might consider putting time limits on how often you see them, request that they do not contact you by phone or show up to your home, or encourage specific boundaries that are relevant to your family’s situation and issues. Prepare yourself, however, for your family to not respect the boundaries you put in place–if they’re already dealing with or engaging in negative behaviors, they probably don’t know much about boundaries. 

Go no contact if necessary

If your family is engaging in disrespect, abuse, or continually crossing your boundaries, it may be time to go no contact with them. “No contact” is exactly what it sounds like–not engaging at all with an individual, including in person visits or interaction, or digital communication such as phone calls, emails, or text messages. Essentially cutting off all communication with an individual in order to distance yourself from whatever negative behavior is occurring within the relationship.

While going no contact is usually the last resort for individuals with a difficult family dynamic, sometimes it’s the only option to free yourself from the dysfunction around you. If you’re struggling with going no contact, know that it’s okay, and sometimes necessary in order to prioritize yourself.

Take care of yourself

When you deal with longstanding patterns of disrespect, abuse, trauma, and misbehavior within families, sometimes people pleasing occurs, so as not to anger those around you, and many people within dysfunctional families engage in people pleasing. Unfortunately, this tends to reinforce the negative behaviors that occur, and taking a step away from your family can help you better prioritize your own needs.

Many things can be helpful when coping with difficult family challenges, such as reaching out to social supports and attending therapy, as well as going no contact, removing yourself from escalated situations, and focusing on your own mental health. Whatever you need to do to prioritize your own health and wellbeing is okay–even if your family doesn’t think that it is.

Learn more about the author, Sam Nolan, here.

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