Criticism
This is the first of the four horsemen and is usually the one that paves the way for the others. Criticism involves attacking someone’s personality or character and is often paired with blame. When you criticize each other, you are basically implying there is something wrong with your partner, and you or your partner might feel under attack. Saying things such as “you always” or “you never” are common ways to criticize your partner. This is a dangerous pattern to get stuck in as neither partner will feel heard or supported, and responses will most likely be defensive. You or your partner might feel assaulted, rejected, or hurt after an interaction with criticism. However, don’t get criticism confused with complaining. A complaint is a specific statement of displeasure, anger, distress, or other negative comment. Criticism is much less specific.
- Complaint: “I was upset when you got home because we talked about you calling me on the way home from work so I knew when you were off work. You didn’t call me.”
- Criticism: “We talked about you calling after work and you didn’t. You never think about how your behavior affects me and you are always selfish. You never think of me and my feelings.”
Correcting criticism within the relationship
If you recognize criticism in you or your partner’s words, don’t worry. Take a step away from the situation. Let your partner know you need five minutes to gather your thoughts and then you will be back. Once you and your partner have taken some deep breaths, begin with a gentle start up. Talk about your feelings using “I” statements, such as “I felt upset when I didn’t know you were on your way home and this was something we talked about previously”. Share a complaint and don’t attack your partner’s characteristics. Express in a positive manner what you were looking for from your partner instead. “I look forward to knowing you are on your way home.”
Contempt
This is the second of the four horsemen and is the more serious of the horsemen. Contempt occurs when you use your words or body behavior to put yourself on higher ground than your partner, essentially making it seem like you are better than or superior to them. This can look like mocking your partner, rolling your eyes, name calling, scoffing, ridicule, and mimicking your partner. Contempt is the type of put downs that will destroy the fondness and admiration between the couple. Contempt can come from long held negative thoughts about your partner.
- Contempt looks like: “You’ve had a rough day?! All you did was go to work and then come home and sit down while I’ve been working hard all day cleaning the house and caring for the kids. You’re pathetic. I do not have time to care for another child. You might as well go sit back down – so lazy.
Correcting contempt within the relationship
Contempt needs to be recognized and addressed as this is a leading predictor of divorce. In order to correct contempt, you and your partner need to recognize them within yourself, lower your tolerance for contemptuous statements and behaviors, and work on building an environment for appreciation in the relationship. Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and find gratitude for positive actions. Schedule in time to sit down with each other and share the qualities you find attractive and what you appreciate in each other.
Defensiveness
The third of the horsemen is defensiveness. This is usually the response to criticism and is the most common of the four. When we feel accused, we attempt to protect ourselves, defend our innocence, and begin to play the victim. Engaging in defensive behavior is another form of blaming, keeps both parties from taking responsibility for their problems, and can add fuel to the flame. Examples of defensive responses include giving excuses, cross-complaining, and using the “yes but…” phrase. This horsemen is a difficult habit to break and it rarely works.
- “It’s not my fault! I didn’t do anything wrong.”
- “Yes, but I was busy today! You know my schedule. You just as easily could have called them.”
Correcting defensiveness within the relationship
If you recognize you have responded defensively, take a second to think of your partner’s perspective. Put yourself in their shoes. Offer an apology for any wrongdoing, and communicate positively with your partner what you were trying to express. Don’t forget to use those “I” statements. “I feel ___ when ___” and avoid “you” phrases that put blame on your partner.
- “I’m sorry I responded that way. I felt upset when I assumed you knew my day. I should have expressed that I might be too busy to make the call.”
Stonewalling
The final horsemen, and usually a result of the above three, is stonewalling and occurs when you or your partner are feeling overwhelmed and are trying to calm yourself down. This usually is paired with contempt, but can also happen when you are being blamed, criticized, or your partner is expressing negative feelings. Stonewalling might look like zoning out, getting really quiet, or physically leaving the area. When stonewalling occurs, the other partner might assume one does not care about the situation or their feelings.
Correcting Stonewalling
If you find yourself or your partner stonewalling, take a second away from the situation. Share with your partner that you need a break from the discussion and decide upon a set amount of time you both agree on to be able to actively listen again. For example, you both decide to have 15 minutes apart. During that time, do something you find to be self-soothing. This can be reading a book, meditating, or going on a walk.
Review of the four horsemen in relatioships
Think back to any recent arguments that you and your partner might have had in your relationship. Think of your behaviors, your responses, and overall how the argument was handled. Did you engage in attacking your partner’s personality and characteristics (criticism)? Perhaps you rolled your eyes and called your partner a mean name (contempt). Did you try to defend yourself by playing the victim and blaming your partner for the situation (defensiveness)? Or did you find yourself “shutting down” and not actively listening to what your partner was saying (stonewalling)? The first step is recognizing this within your communication and actively trying to correct your behaviors. Before responding, take a deep breath and think about what you are going to say. Make sure to respond using “I” statements. If you find yourself struggling with any of the four horsemen in relationships, consider discussing this with your therapist or finding a couples therapist to assist you and your partner.
About Therapist Bethany Winter, MA Barnum Counseling
References
Lisitsa, E. (2022, November 3). The Four horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, & stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved November 30, 2022, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
Soo, M. (2019, March 20). The Four horsemen toxic communication styles and how to rein them in May>. RWA Psychology – Psychologist in Beecroft & Hornsby Shire. Retrieved November 30, 2022, from https://www.rwapsych.com.au/blog/the-four-horsemen-toxic-communication-styles-and-how-to-rein-them-in/
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