How much can I tolerate?
Relationships can be filled with so much joy and excitement, but they definitely come with their fair share of challenges as well. Have you ever experienced a time when a small disagreement turned into a heated argument and things went from 0 to 100 really quickly? This is known as “co-escalation”. Co-escalation can occur when one or both individuals come out of their window of tolerance resulting in ineffective communication and/or maladaptive behaviors. Each person has their own limit with what they are able to tolerate mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and physically. Stepping out of that window can result in great distress and dysregulation. Some things that might lead to co-escalation include aggressive tone of voice or posture, word choice, lack of mutual understanding and respect, and feeling unheard or unseen. I know it can be so frustrating how quickly we can step out of our window of tolerance sometimes.
BUT, there is hope!
How co-regulation may help
Just like we have the ability to dysregulate, we also have the capacity to regulate. You might decide to regulate yourself by doing a little self care and that’s wonderful! However, have you ever considered co-regulating with another person or thing? This could be with your partner, friend, caregiver, or even a pet. Experts say co-regulation is particularly helpful for those who have experienced trauma in their life. Individuals who have experienced trauma often have a difficult time with self- regulation.
The concept of co-regulation starts in childhood when a caregiver attunes to their child with warmth and consistency, so the child learns how to soothe themselves over time. Unfortunately, not every child has this warm and safe experience, so we have to re-create supportive attunement in adolescence and adulthood. Co-regulation might look like holding a calming presence, warm tone of voice, acknowledgement of distress, modeling regulating behaviors, creating a structured environment that fosters a felt sense of safety, and paying attention to emotional and physical cues of the other person or animal and adjusting accordingly. If you are co-regulating with a pet, you might decide to pet their fur and notice the sensations, give or receive kisses, or place a hand on their chest to coordinate breathing patterns. Just like anything else, co-regulation takes practice. It may not come easily at first, but try to be patient with yourself.
Let’s sum up co-escalation and co-regulation
We as humans can only handle so much before we lose our cool. We become dysregulated and it might come out in our interactions with other individuals. There is hope for us yet! Don’t underestimate the power of regulating with another person or pet. It can be a truly transformative experience. Therapy is a great place to learn more about co-escalation and co-regulation patterns and techniques. We are here to help!
About Therapist Nicole Koronkowski, LSW – Barnum Counseling
References
Information from https://www.complextrauma.org/glossary/co-regulation/
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