One of my favorite handouts to review with clients when conducting couples therapy is The Four Horseman. It provides such a wonderful visualization of four unhealthy habits in relationships, along with four “antidotes” on how to fix them. Often enough, people just focus on what NOT to do rather than providing solutions! So what are The Four Horsemen? Below are John and Julie Gottman’s identified unhealthy communication habits along with approaches to handling communication challenges more effectively:
Horseman 1: Criticism
Criticism is viewed as attacking someone’s personality or character. Most often my couples see criticizing examples as normal marital complaints, but there can be a difference when complaining about normal behaviors and attacking someone’s nature. I tend to provide laundry examples because we all need clothes!
Criticism example: “You never do the laundry! You can be so lazy and selfish sometimes – you never think of me!
Does that sound familiar to anyone? I know it does for me! That dialogue can be very degrading on the receiving end. It can make someone feel rejected or hurt. So how can we fix this? What is the antidote so we don’t criticize our partners? Using a gentle start up not only is an effective tool for any form of communication but it helps partners understand our emotions.
Gentle start up example: “Would you mind doing the laundry? I need help with the household chores today.”
Horseman 2: Contempt
I find contempt in a relationship dangerous. Nothing is more invalidating than someone using sarcasm, dark humor, eye rolling or name calling to disrespect his or her partner. This second form of communication is purposely thinking negative about partners and the need to attack them. John and Julie Gottman have reported saying contempt as being the greatest predictor of divorce. The antidote for contempt is finding appreciation for our partners. Vocalizing gratitude can build a positive perspective.
Horseman 3: Defensiveness
We’ve all been defensive, right? Who hasn’t felt the need for self-protection when we feel attacked? John and Julie Gottman have stated that when we unjustly feel criticized by our partner we will be playing the victim to reverse the blame. This happens to everyone so don’t feel alone in this. How do we remove our walls and why do we need to protect ourselves in those moments. To understand our defensiveness we need to take responsibility for what we are feeling. It takes a conscious effort to take a step back and ask, “okay, what am I feeling and why?”.
Question: Hey, are you almost ready to go? Reservations are at 7:00 PM.
Defensiveness: Well I’m sorry I worked all day and barely had any time for myself and to get ready!
Take responsibility (better response): Thanks for your patience. I am running a few minutes behind. Next time I will try and be more mindful about my my time management so that we are not running late.
Horseman 4: Stonewalling
Stonewalling is the fourth and arguably the most dangerous of the four horsemen. People typically use this strategy in response to contempt. We stonewall by shutting down when we feel emotionally flooded by our partner. This emotional flood causes us to not respond or engage in conversation. The action of shutting down is similar to our instinctual flight or fight responses. However, with this defense mechanism, we freeze and shut down, or “take flight” by detaching from the overwhelming emotional state. This increases any disconnection we might already be feeling with our partner.
Solutions to Stonewalling
Instead of stonewalling, we can take a break, walk away, and self-soothe. Here are some self-soothing activities that my clients (and even us therapists) find helpful: painting, organizing, folding laundry, taking a bath, meditating, gardening, baking, shopping, or going for a walk with the kids.
Self-soothing response: Listen, I am feeling too overwhelmed to discuss this. I need to take a break and we can come back to this later.
The next time you are in a disagreement with your partner and you feel like shutting down, choose an activity that gets your mind off the conversation. To be clear: lying down in bed and thinking about why you are angry or what your next comeback will be will not benefit anyone. Therefore, choosing a solution-focused action such as meditating or completing a task while you take the time you need to reduce those overwhelming emotions is strongly recommended.
Conclusion
These four horsemen are not your friends. As John and Julie Gottman describe, they are recipes for disaster. If practiced enough, can potentially lead to divorce. On the other hand, learning and practicing the “antidotes” can help you to significantly improve your relational interactions. Although they take time and effort, they are incredibly reliable and beneficial!
Interested in more solutions on handling relational distress, especially during these trying times? Click here and check out my last blog post!
Written by: Coral Pidone, MA, LPC
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