Hello lovely people! I read an article today that gynecologist, Jen Gunther, wrote. Click here to read it for yourself. I’m always interested in what people think about the idea that sexless relationships happen because the man experiences low libido. Gunther writes: “A number of things can affect libido, including depression, medication, stress, health, affairs, previous sexual trauma, pornography, pain with sex and relationship dissatisfaction…”
As a certified L1 Gottman Couples Therapist, I have worked with many couples during my career. When one or both partners are dissatisfied with their sex life, I check in with each partner. I assess whether one or more of the libido killers is present. About 25% of the time, I come across a case where the man has low libido and doesn’t have a desire to initiate sex. The other 75% have more complex causes.
Your Partner’s Role in Low Libido
When I run into a case where the male experiences low libido, I always explore the factors that Gunter lists. But I also think it’s important to use great sensitivity when doing so. In my experience, men with low libido are already at a point where they feel emasculated by their partner. Often, gender stereotypes impact these thoughts. Women will make comments like “Well, he’s the man- he’s supposed to want sex!” They berate and shame their partner for not “feeling it.” In these cases, I try to educate the couple about the libido killers. Both partners usually find this information eye opening.
On the opposite end of the couch, the partner who has been initiating sex often feels rejected when turned down. This rejection turns into anger, sadness and resentment. Verbalizing these emotions can be a recipe for disaster for the future of the relationship. This partner deserves to feel heard and validated, too.
Family, Growing Up and Low Libido
One side note: I also think, regardless of gender, it’s important to explore the messages about sex that the individual received from his or her family growing up. Did they talk about it? Or was it taboo to even bring up? These often impact how we view sex and talking about sex.
What about the family you grew up with? How did they approach the topic of sex? Did they avoid the topic completely? If you brought it up, did you discuss it openly or were you criticized or shamed for it?
The goals of therapy are to reconnect and increase intimacy and passion within the relationship. To reach those goals, we need to address any of the factors that create a “sex block” in the relationship. Often, I will refer the partner with low libido to another therapist for individual therapy to help him or her explore the block at a deeper level. Then, I will work with both partners to help them each feel understood and see the problem from each other’s perspective. Once they accomplish that understanding, we can discuss what each partner needs to do to help the other feel more desired. Usually, I incorporate some of John Gottman’s techniques for increasing fondness and admiration to help with this.
If you or someone you know is experiencing mismatched sexual desire or low libido, we can help! To get your questions answered or schedule a 15-minute phone consultation, call 630-797-9192 today!